Lost Control

From strangers, to friends, to crushes, to bf/gf, to lovers, to fighters, to lovers again, to friends, and back to strangers. The course of four years has flown by in a blink of any eye. Sometimes I look back at where we started, reminisce about what we've been through and how we got through them, and how we came out stronger individuals and as a couple. Saying that’s still true right now wouldn't be all honest, especially on my part. I have gone through so many battles in the spance of four years, whether it be with life, you, or myself. Battles I let myself lose because I'm not strong and wise enough to push through the toughest times because I let my anger and emotions get the best of me. The battles I've been facing are battles I put upon myself, thinking I can get through them all easily, all by myself. Wrong, wrong wrong wrong, I am wrong. Like why do I even create battles in the first place? In some cases, I can manage my own, and in most I barely can make it through without a bumped table or without something being unchanged (I hope that made sense). Usually I seek for guidance and direction, and because I’m so stubborn and selfish, I look for it from the wrong people. I try to look for it from somewhere, when I should just realize I really don’t have to look any further than what’s already right in front of me. The way things are now, I have doomed myself with my selfish actions, and have caused the separation and distance that is existing between me and the one person I was closest too. Coming to this realization makes me sad. I feel literally nothing of myself, like I have nothing to offer anymore. I’ve become this person I’ve never had a liking to, and yet I’m here, as the worst person I currently know. I’ve lost friendships, relationships, and overall my whole life because I am too stubborn to realize that the people still in my life do love me and truly want the best for me. Why can’t I accept harsh criticism as easily as I say I can? Why can’t I just accept my faults and work to make things right again? Why can’t I just stop making excuses for myself and start making goals? Why can’t I trust and put faith in something? All these things are personal issues I deal with everyday, and for some odd reason, all I can think about is our relationship and how its one of the most important relationships I NEED and want to fix. I’ve become so selfish…so selfish, I need to humble myself before things get worse. It’s an everyday battle, but its worth the fight if I still have my reason for why I fight. But I don’t, and that’s the hardest thing to deal with. It sucks because I can’t blame anybody, but myself. I don’t know why I’m so vested in making myself happy, when in reality, I’m happiest when I help others. I literally got sucked up in this own world of mine, building walls, refusing to let anyone in. I am the epitome of a cancer woman, why do I hide in my shell so much, when the right people in my life are trying their hardest to bring me out. I guess I’m shy, and sometimes scared. Many of the times, its because I’m scared. I should’ve learned being in a relationship for this long that through every obstacle, every fight that things will never be the same after the blood and tears have been shed, SO I should never expect things to be the same. I need to understand that the love is always there, but the actions is what needs to change, My actions. I’ve torn us apart, to get us where we are today. I have built bridges then lit them on fire whenever you were crossing over…and I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you more. I hate who I become…I do. I really hate that my life hasn’t been getting any better, and because I refuse to take the criticism from the people who love me most. I’ve shunned out everybody…and I complain I have nobody. I’ve become this big contradiction, and all I want to do map out where I went wrong, fix every stop, and make things right again. Its not going to be easy, trust me, I’ve come to that realization a long time ago…about a year and a half ago, when I was just too stubborn and proud to fix it. Who the fuck am I? Who the fuck do I think I am thinking its okay to act the way I have been acting? I’ve acted out, and I’m done with it. I just wanna focus on making things right with people, starting with the one person I’ve hurt the most through it all. Things are bad…so bad that you can’t even say I respect you. Truth is, I do respect you, so much that I don’t even respect myself, so then I disrespect you, thinking my actions are legitimized, but really its all fucked up. I wish I could say I love me enough for the both of us, I wish I could say that that’s why you trust me. But you don’t, and I need to do ALOTTA things to fix that. First, starting with this letter. You always had a way of making me want to do better, be better. And because I was too stubborn and oblivious to recognize, I never did. But that is all going to change, I promise. I know you will always have the best intentions for me, even though I am the last person who deserves your love and help, but I trust you do want the best for me. You always have. It is not easy for me to admit I’m wrong, and its definitely not easy for me to admit I’m wrong then have to do something about it to make things right again. Although I’m probably not gonna face anything but hardships for awhile now, I want to face them with my fists clutched tight, head held high, and a mind held even higher, so I push myself above the downfalls. I found out something that broke my heart a couple nights ago, didn’t think I’d have to feel another heart break…but I needed to realize before I lose the most precious thing in my life. You’re right, I have neglected you for so long and was selfish and didn’t try to improve your life, as well as mine. I basically brought us both down. Well I’m done trying to sink this ship, and will do whatever it take so it can float graciously the way it should. I don’t know how I’m going to do it, but at least I know I want to float again, and for as long as the winds blow. I hope this will all blow over, so things can start off on a fresh clean slate. I hope we didn’t completely lose control over this relationSHIP.

“Love the person, as opposed to what you want out of that person.”

it gets harder.

The more you let them in your life, the harder it will be for you to let them go.

Its crazy

It's crazy when you come to the realization to your problems is you. No one can make your problems greater than what you portray them to be. Not all problems are big, but if you upgrade them to a higher level of what it really is, then that's on you. Especially in relationships, problems are only obstacles. You can let them control the relationship and possibly ruin or corrupt it, or you can downplay them and as a team with your partner, YOU GUYS control the problem by fixing it. Another thing about "problems" are that people always tend to look at the negative side to them, but rarely anyone wants to look at the positive side of things. Not all problems are bad, they are what you make of it.

I've come to a realization that all my problems were upgraded to a point where it basically took over my life. I was depressed, stressed, and just angry with how the world treating me. But the world just has its lessons...and everyday is just a test of how you handle these situations. I've come to realize that not all people are bad, they just make mistakes. Mistakes don't define you, your way of handling them do.

Problems...they're only factors in your life, but its up to you to let it control you or you control it.

Don't control your woman. That's not love.

The Man's Guide To Love #467 from themansguidetolove on Vimeo.

fellahs

if your lady if getting mad at you, 99.9% of the time THERE IS A REASON. so save her and yourself time and pain and TALK to her about it. ask her what you did or what's wrong. its better to try to fix the problem than to deny there is any. SO FUCKIN MAN UP AND TAKE THE RESPONSIBILITY TO BE THERE FOR HER.
if your lady is being stubborn as fuck, don't give up on her. if you love her enough, you'd stick around and help her outta her stubborn ways...or maybe, YOURE the reason she's stubborn so don't be surprised of the way she is. again, be a man and accept her.
if your lady isnt texting or calling you after a fight, she's waiting for your ass to call or text her. whenever the problem is her fault, she knows she has to call and make things up to you...but if she knows for a damn fact that you fucked up, CALL HER UP AND WORK THINGS OUT. take fuckin responsibility for your actions and stop saying you did nothing wrong...cus odds are you did. i doubt youd ever consider being with a psychotic bitch who gets mad for no reason. own up to your shit.

just a few things a guy has to know. more later.

in the words that basketball players will understand

The Man's Guide To Love #419 from themansguidetolove on Vimeo.

for real tho

people should stop writing love, inspirational quotes. they're just confusing the shit outta people, cus BOTH MEN AND WOMEN read that shit. "if a person wanted to talk to you, then they'll talk to you" is the most ridiculous shit someone could say. cus what if it refers to both sides huh? and now both the guy and the girl are waiting for one to talk to the other...but none of them budge, so they're both screwed! these quotes and sayings and bullshit things can corrupt a relationship. not all relationships are the same, so why the fuck do these "sayings" refer to all of them?!

on the real, we so were good. i had my expectations, yes, but they were highly reachable. within the first few months, you reached almost all of them! we seriously are too caught up in the bullshit, we're forgetting reality...the reality of how happy we made each other. forget all the shit you read or what youve heard. i dont believe everything i read or hear, i talk to you about it first. sure, i assume shit, but what person doesnt?! its a fuckin journey, not a fuckin trip. we're supposed to go through shit. no matter how hard things are, we promised each other we'd get through all of the hardships! you promised me...and i promised you...and we don't break promises. we seriously need to calm the fuck down, we're not fuckin married. we're just two kids, in love...well at least i am. we grow and we learn, and i've made the commitment that i wanted to do all that with you. and i'm sure as hell that you did too...back in the day. you loved me...you truly did...and i miss that, i miss you.

for real tho, fuck all yallllz for putting shit into people's heads of the "ideal relationship"...because the ideal relationship is what YOU AND HIM/ YOU AND HER want...not what others think it to be.

YOU ARE MY IDEAL RELATIONSHIP.
dont you ever fuckin forget it.

times like these

make me wanna have a boyfriend :/
no prom for me...wah! yallz have fun tho!

what do you do?

when the only person you truly love is in the process of leaving? whether its breaking up with you, moving, or both. what can you do to keep your head up high without showing anyone youre dying inside. what can you do to keep your mind occupied without thinking about the pain youre feeling? it sucks when the person that hurts you is the person you want to go to make you feel better. its like after you lost them, you lost everything...

fuck self esteem

not gonna lie, feeling pretty fuckin low right now. so vulnerable, i'm almost willing to do anything to get me up again...maybe i'll fuck up from time to time, but i'll never lose who i am cus God made me better than that. good luck to me.

I can never understand.

So its times like this when we're not texting...I text you first cus I miss you and I want to talk. But then you give me short, vague responses as if you don't want to talk. I ask if you're alright, then you get mad at me for asking, saying I'm annoying. So I stop texting you. Then you get even more mad at me for not texting you. Well what do I say when you say I'm annoying? What can I say to "k" or "okay" or "idk"? Its like when I start conversations with you, you can never keep them going. I don't know, maybe I'm thinking too much or what not...but I can never understand why you would make it so difficult to talk to you. I want to, and I would all day and all night...but damn, you gotta show you want to talk too.

hahaha shieeeet

known this shit for a while now, but i guess it never really hit me that it could possibly be true. i couldve avoided all this bullshit and games and tears and pain if i just followed my gut feeling. never again am i second guessing myself, i know when i'm right. fuck it. this is what life's about...going through shit so you'll learn from your mistakes. done.

to all males out there. #4

reminds me of my nephew =) he's gonna be superrr cute when he's older. LOL

What I need

A rebound. A hang loose night. To let go. Don't wanna feel, don't wanna control myself. Just let go.

What I need

A really, REALLY good cry.

To all males out there. #3

The Man's Guide To Love #265 from themansguidetolove on Vimeo.

Pretty much the best you'll ever have.

True and funny =)

HOT.