Lost Control

From strangers, to friends, to crushes, to bf/gf, to lovers, to fighters, to lovers again, to friends, and back to strangers. The course of four years has flown by in a blink of any eye. Sometimes I look back at where we started, reminisce about what we've been through and how we got through them, and how we came out stronger individuals and as a couple. Saying that’s still true right now wouldn't be all honest, especially on my part. I have gone through so many battles in the spance of four years, whether it be with life, you, or myself. Battles I let myself lose because I'm not strong and wise enough to push through the toughest times because I let my anger and emotions get the best of me. The battles I've been facing are battles I put upon myself, thinking I can get through them all easily, all by myself. Wrong, wrong wrong wrong, I am wrong. Like why do I even create battles in the first place? In some cases, I can manage my own, and in most I barely can make it through without a bumped table or without something being unchanged (I hope that made sense). Usually I seek for guidance and direction, and because I’m so stubborn and selfish, I look for it from the wrong people. I try to look for it from somewhere, when I should just realize I really don’t have to look any further than what’s already right in front of me. The way things are now, I have doomed myself with my selfish actions, and have caused the separation and distance that is existing between me and the one person I was closest too. Coming to this realization makes me sad. I feel literally nothing of myself, like I have nothing to offer anymore. I’ve become this person I’ve never had a liking to, and yet I’m here, as the worst person I currently know. I’ve lost friendships, relationships, and overall my whole life because I am too stubborn to realize that the people still in my life do love me and truly want the best for me. Why can’t I accept harsh criticism as easily as I say I can? Why can’t I just accept my faults and work to make things right again? Why can’t I just stop making excuses for myself and start making goals? Why can’t I trust and put faith in something? All these things are personal issues I deal with everyday, and for some odd reason, all I can think about is our relationship and how its one of the most important relationships I NEED and want to fix. I’ve become so selfish…so selfish, I need to humble myself before things get worse. It’s an everyday battle, but its worth the fight if I still have my reason for why I fight. But I don’t, and that’s the hardest thing to deal with. It sucks because I can’t blame anybody, but myself. I don’t know why I’m so vested in making myself happy, when in reality, I’m happiest when I help others. I literally got sucked up in this own world of mine, building walls, refusing to let anyone in. I am the epitome of a cancer woman, why do I hide in my shell so much, when the right people in my life are trying their hardest to bring me out. I guess I’m shy, and sometimes scared. Many of the times, its because I’m scared. I should’ve learned being in a relationship for this long that through every obstacle, every fight that things will never be the same after the blood and tears have been shed, SO I should never expect things to be the same. I need to understand that the love is always there, but the actions is what needs to change, My actions. I’ve torn us apart, to get us where we are today. I have built bridges then lit them on fire whenever you were crossing over…and I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you more. I hate who I become…I do. I really hate that my life hasn’t been getting any better, and because I refuse to take the criticism from the people who love me most. I’ve shunned out everybody…and I complain I have nobody. I’ve become this big contradiction, and all I want to do map out where I went wrong, fix every stop, and make things right again. Its not going to be easy, trust me, I’ve come to that realization a long time ago…about a year and a half ago, when I was just too stubborn and proud to fix it. Who the fuck am I? Who the fuck do I think I am thinking its okay to act the way I have been acting? I’ve acted out, and I’m done with it. I just wanna focus on making things right with people, starting with the one person I’ve hurt the most through it all. Things are bad…so bad that you can’t even say I respect you. Truth is, I do respect you, so much that I don’t even respect myself, so then I disrespect you, thinking my actions are legitimized, but really its all fucked up. I wish I could say I love me enough for the both of us, I wish I could say that that’s why you trust me. But you don’t, and I need to do ALOTTA things to fix that. First, starting with this letter. You always had a way of making me want to do better, be better. And because I was too stubborn and oblivious to recognize, I never did. But that is all going to change, I promise. I know you will always have the best intentions for me, even though I am the last person who deserves your love and help, but I trust you do want the best for me. You always have. It is not easy for me to admit I’m wrong, and its definitely not easy for me to admit I’m wrong then have to do something about it to make things right again. Although I’m probably not gonna face anything but hardships for awhile now, I want to face them with my fists clutched tight, head held high, and a mind held even higher, so I push myself above the downfalls. I found out something that broke my heart a couple nights ago, didn’t think I’d have to feel another heart break…but I needed to realize before I lose the most precious thing in my life. You’re right, I have neglected you for so long and was selfish and didn’t try to improve your life, as well as mine. I basically brought us both down. Well I’m done trying to sink this ship, and will do whatever it take so it can float graciously the way it should. I don’t know how I’m going to do it, but at least I know I want to float again, and for as long as the winds blow. I hope this will all blow over, so things can start off on a fresh clean slate. I hope we didn’t completely lose control over this relationSHIP.